« April 2004 | Main | June 2004 »
Mon, May 31
No more corned beef!
Since the entry entitled "Corned beef on Rye" received so much interest, I feel it is my duty to tell you all that sadly, The Empress Kosher Deli in Brooklyn is now closed. I was informed by the relative of mine who first took me there, that The Empress has had many owners and names over the years, but it has ALWAYS remained a kosher deli. Now, its absolutely nothing. Just a space for rent. Tear.
Maybe I will take our friend Phil's (see newly added blog link on my site) recommendation, Adelman's Deli (on King's highway between East 19th street and Ocean Avenue.)
Just a note about my weekend, while I'm here. Went to a really long Bat-Mitzvah (even though we were the first to leave!) Can you believe that the dj's use the same EXACT music that they used in my day? Old forgotten classics like, "Pump up the Jam" and "Cotton-Eyed Joe" have been in my head since Saturday. Relatives who all called themselves my "uncles" came out of the woodwork to tell me how good I looked, which only made me think, "did I look like a circus monkey before?"
Yesterday, Erica came with my family to visit my grandparents in Flemington, NJ, where they house the largest private succulent and cactus collection in the East Coast. (As one blog fan pointed out, that if you google my name, you will see that I have a cactus named after me.) I gave Erica a tour of the farm, waved to the sheep, and my grandfather showed us how he artificially cross-pollinates two succulents using a cat whisker (no, he did not pluck it from one of his kitties- he let it fall off on its own). Very cool to watch. I can't believe how much I've taken for granted all these years, the wealth of knowledge and experience my grandfather has with plants. If I were really inspired, I'd dive into books on the subject and become a cactophile or something.
Just got back from seeing "The Day After Tomorrow." Ticketholders like myself were waiting on a line that curled all the way around the floor on which the theatre was located, and into this long hallway where they stored extra carpeting, even 40 minutes before the movie. It was insane! The movie definitely had an agenda...But as my brother commented, "it was the best comedy of the season!" If you see it, you'll know what he mean by that.
Yay. Four day week ahead of me. Or, three and a half days (half-day Friday).
What's with these allergies I have all of a sudden? OK, this entry is nearing towards boringland, so I'll stop here. Too self-centered of an entry. Very ME oriented.
Oh, "Best in Show" was on today:
"Cookie, is that you?"
"Bulge?! You look good. You've grown!"
"Cookie, I'm growin' right here looking at you!"
Ah, gotta love it.
Posted by lexzog at Mon, May 31 | Comments (2)
Fri, May 28
Forgotten pictures...
I meant to post these a few weeks ago, cuz, well, I like them. Hooka-nite with Kirk, Dan, Erica and Jen at Kush. I swear I didn't inhale.
Heh heh heh.
He's SO TALENTED!
I like THIS hooka more than Kirk's.
Laaaaaa! Erica and Jen love each other.
Two days later, Dan notarized my document. And when I say document, I don't mean that in a sexual way. He actually put his John Hancock on it. Not sexually though. I'm serious! (For the record, he is a notary, and he helped me out of a credit card fraud conflict).
Posted by lexzog at Fri, May 28 | Comments (0)
If you want to make a bad day worse...
....Stroll on in to your local Duane Reade Pharmacy!
After waiting on line while some dumbass cashier scanned someone's box of q-tips over and over (until Erica boldly pointed out, while never having a day of cashier experience, that scanning the ACTUAL BAR CODE, see? yes, just like that) would probably help, I finally announced, "I'm here to pick up a prescription." The dumbass cashier then asked me, "are you here to pick up a prescription?" I said again, "Yes, I am here to pick up my prescription. First name Alexis, last name ---- (not putting last name, just in case). B as in boy..." Dumbass then rustled around for ten minutes, went to the back of the pharmacy and inevitably came back to ask, "Last name Meyer?" and I replied, exasperatedly, "No, ----. Not Meyer." Dumbass said "oh," and went to the back again. He returned triumphant, waving the little bag in the air like he'd just recieved a check from Publisher's Clearing House: "I got it!" he exclaimed. I looked at it skeptically, turned it over, and realized, it was not the prescription I ordered at all. In fact, its some prescription I stopped using a year ago. Twenty minutes later, I found out that the pharmacy dimwit who called my Dr.'s office just chose, oh let's say on a whim, which prescription I desired. "Hm", he must have thought. "Let's order some really expensive face wash for Ms. Meyer, I mean, ----. Oh, whoever!"
I do not unleash my inner bitch on just any occassion, but Duane Reade seems to conjure it up with ease. As I tried to make sense of all this, I smiled so deliriously to the dumb pharmacy manager (I was Big-Time now), its the kind of smile that is so fake that the manager is absolutely certain that if there were no big pharmacy desk separating us, that I'd probably attempt to pummel her. Yes, with every inch of my 5'3 frame. I smiled as she explained that because I had never ordered this particular prescription from this particular Duane Reade, they had no way of doing a prescription refill. No, they cannot pull up files from other D-R's in the city, because I guess we are not that far into the computer age. But they couldn't possibly have told me this, even after I spelled out the name of my desired prescription to the pharmacist before he called it in. And again, even though I came in yesterday and told the pharmacy in person what I wanted, and they said to come back the next day because they needed to order it, that still did not seem like a good time to tell me that what I was asking for was not possible.
After all this, I walked out of Duane Reade with no prescription in the end, and an insincere apology. Awesome.
Posted by lexzog at Fri, May 28 | Comments (0)
Tue, May 25
The Brothers Wayans
Today I had the pleasure of meeting The Wayans Brothers...They are SO HOT. Just had to get that out of the way...We had a meeting to discuss a possible children's book series with them and their faaaabulous agent (damn gorgeous LA people).
Anyway, I walked into the meeting about halfway through, for the pure purpose of meeting celebrities. Yes, shallow, I know.
I tried to not make a scene, and just sat quietly in a corner...but no, I was spotted by one of the Brothas. He winked at me, and smiled, and I blushed. My boss took that as her cue to introduce, and the dialogue was as follows:
Boss: "This is Alexis. She was so excited to meet you! She doesn't usually look like this...She is especially chipmunky today, because she had her wisdom teeth pulled out".
Me: "Yes, I am not normally this fucking ugly. Please excuse my bruised face and the shiner on my eye." Blush blush blush blush.
(No, I didn't say this, but I did blush and cover my ugly damn face).
So anyway, I am sure that I will not be asked to cameo on any of their upcoming films, unless they need a deformed extra on the set.
P.S. Next week, I am posting a really really hot picture of myself, to make myself feel better.
Posted by lexzog at Tue, May 25 | Comments (2)
Sun, May 23
Black and Blue...and a Subway Scare
But first, I wanted to continute the "Woe's Me" entry from below...After the horrible repackaging of printer refills experience, I rushed out of the office to meet my brother at Bowery Ballroom for my friend's concert (Angel 13). I grabbed a lousy Subway sandwich to eat on the Subway like a homeless person...and got on my favorite favorite train: The F. Which, I decided, stands for "Where the F is this F-ing train already?" The F(-ing) train finally came, and went but one stop before, surprise surprise, it stopped at the next station. I finished my sandwich during that stop, and only started to worry when everyone else started looking around, as it settled in that something was amiss. We'd been stuck there for 10 minutes. Out of nowhere, police arrived on the scene, walking past the train's windows and looking in. I did my best not to look suspicious. Ten minutes later, the cops are actually IN the subway car. Mind you, no one was allowed out of the subway the whole time this was happening. We were hostages. The police marched up and down the cars, and finally came to a halt at the foot of a possible suspect. And guess where the suspect was sitting? RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Of course! For all I knew, he was the next suicide bomber waiting to happen. It was fantastic. I was so nervous and scared that I actually started to laugh. Finally, I gathered my wits, and quietly tiptoed the HELL AWAY from that scene, and went as far as I could possibly go (which sadly was only the other end of the subway car). There, I established myself as quite the celebrity- everyone wanted to know what was going on at the other end of the car, and who the police were questioning. By the time the commotion had died down, and the police had left the subway car (20 minutes later) without any explanation as to what had happened that made them hold an entire subway hostage and who they were on the lookout for (by the way, the guy they had questioned next to me got off the hook), I was signing autographs.
On my merry way to the Bowery Ballroom, for the Angel 13 concert. It was decent, and I try to go every now and then when Timothy asks me to (little groupie that I am). But my brother and I were really surprised by how wonderful the next band was, "L.P." The lead singer is this curly mophead girl/guy (its hard to tell which she is, and its fun to figure it out at first), with a killer rattly voice and a large lesbian following. The energy the band emits when they are performing is, excuse the cliche, infectious. Everyone was rocking out- even two old women and one long-haired guy circa Woodstock in the front row. My brother and I felt like we'd discovered gold...or at least, a new band that we'd never heard of before. Their CD comes out on June 29th I believe. Definitely the highlight of the day.
I also decided where I will be having my birthday- Happy Ending on Eldridge and Broome. I love the remnants of the Chinese massage parlours downstairs, and that unclean, wet vibe of the whole place.
Oh, so the Black and Blue part. I got all three of my fully impacted wisdom teeth pulled on Friday morning. I had no idea how badly that would hurt. I came home to my parent's house in NJ, and slept all day, bleeding onto my pillows. I look like a beat-up chipmunk. I would post a picture, but I think I would scare all my fans (all three of them). The painkillers are fun though. Yesterday morning I floated around the house while everyone was out for the day, with the aim of taking a shower, but on my way to doing that felt way too weak and just collapsed naked on my bedroom floor.
Posted by lexzog at Sun, May 23 | Comments (0)
Fri, May 21
Only to me...
Today was UTTER HELL. First of all, my whole day was spent returning "urgent" requests at work, and not doing anything on my "to-do" list except complain to my super about the damn bath-tub drain. As if that wasn't enough to piss me off, it turns out I pulled a "my mom" by ordering 2,000 bucks worth of printer ink refills from an illegit. company called "Express Business Services". (Note: When my mom was in her twenties, working as a secretary for a shipping company, she once shipped 1,000 tires instead of 10 tires, to a warehouse. And her company had to pay to return each and every one. Oops.) Basically, Express Business Services is a total scam. Their people call poor, harried assistants like me and tell them that "its time to reorder your printer ink refills, like we do every year!" When I asked, "what are you talking about? I thought the building services people handle this stuff," the thick, Southern accented salesperson replied, "Oh nooooo (chuckle, chuckle)! Dear, YOU are the one in charge of ordering these...let me get these sent to you ASAP and we'll bill ya." Since I am very naive, I totally fell for it. Two thousand dollars later, I get a call from our business manager about these enormous bills I racked up for the company. At least I'm not the only one this happens to...But the point of my story is that I stayed at work until 7pm removing from our supply closet, then repacking all the damn ink refills into eight huge boxes that I had to assemble myself, which is certainly no easy feat when you're in a skirt and heels..
Posted by lexzog at Fri, May 21 | Comments (0)
Wed, May 19
What They Didn't Teach Me...
....Was how to spell. Thanks Andrew, for catching my errors in the entry below. Though, I am a little worried, as to how eager you are to check my blog ...I mean, 6 in the morning?
I must write some good shit.
Posted by lexzog at Wed, May 19 | Comments (0)
Advice from Stan and Jan
Just want to jot down some feelings I have about working on a Guide to Parenting book with Stan and Jan Berenstain. I can't believe I am actually helping edit and create a book by the very same people who taught me how to read. My how the tables have turned! They taught me how to piece the English language together, and now I am responsible for making sure their words come out in a sane and clear fashion. How cool and weird is that? Even more rad is that in this book, Stan and Jan give advice about SEX. It's like, worse than Dr. Ruth if you think about it. Did you ever imagine the Berenstains saying the word "scrotum" or "vagina"? In this book, they do! Well kids, pigs have flown. Or, bears have...oh, I don't know, had sex.
Its a long time away from the actual pub date (2005), but I'll keep you posted. That is, if you happen to be a "harried parent" in need of guidance from grandparent-like figures, or, if you happen to like bears a lot.
Which I hope you do.
Posted by lexzog at Wed, May 19 | Comments (2)
Sun, May 16
I don't like you, Bunny Girl.
Dear Annoying Bunny Girl,
I am writing on behalf of the people who sit in Tompkin's Square Park, namely those with boyfriends, pets of all breeds and sizes, and those who do not like bunnies.
We know your game, and we know what you are doing. You obviously are using your stupid fat bunny on a leash, to pick up guys. Does it work, Bunny Slut? Because in case you have not noticed, most of the guys in the park are with their girlfriends. And their girlfriends do not appreciate you coyly and sweetly sitting by their blankets, while you pretend to let your bunny roam while it pleases, as you demurely wait. I also saw four separate dog-owners scoop up their suddenly hostile and aggressive dogs, and have to go to a corner of the park as far away from you as possible. And what is with the strappy-open-backed halter top? OK, now I am being petty.
I must say though, that I was very amused that time a few weeks ago, when your bunny on a leash came face to face with a turtle on a leash, and I secretly hoped we could demonstrate that old saying about who would win the race...
Please find another park, or grassy knoll of another nature.
Sincerely and with best intentions,
Your Blog-Hostess (moi)
Posted by lexzog at Sun, May 16 | Comments (2)
Shout out!
Ok, Michael. I'll let you into my blog...New friendster message! Any takers?
"i want to get onto your blog. i'm 6'7" 250lb
masochistic, psychopathic bed-wetting, hamster-
loving member of the indigenous people of
greenland. i like to go glacier surfing and fjord-
jumping. i'm looking for a girl who has really
hairy armpits and makes deep, throaty burps. if
you are that one for me, please message me back!
thanks!"
Posted by lexzog at Sun, May 16 | Comments (0)
Wed, May 12
Fun on the Subway
Tonight I took an outrageously awful subway ride, from 57th and 6th down to 2nd avenue. First, I waited on the platform for a good 20 minutes. At least I had my friend Stephen from art class to chat with...After the train finally came, it wasn't but one stop later that we came to a slow halt. And waited there. For a really long time. Then we moved...but only half a block, then stopped again. The "conductor" (in quotes, because if you ask me, there really isn't anyone driving these trains. The sounds over the loudspeaker are so barely audible, it must be a recording to make you THINK someone is driving the train. Its a CONSPIRACY I tell you!!!!), says some mumbo jumbo that no one understands, except that the word "Emergency" stands out clear as a bell. That freaked me out. And so, I told Stephen about three fun games I like to play when stuck in a subway tunnel with- let's face it- no way out, god-forbid there REALLY was an "Emergency."
1) THE SEX GAME: If this subway car contained the last people on Earth, and it was up to you to continue the human species....Who would you have sex with? (One alternate on this game, is to have your friend choose two people that you can choose from, and then you pick which one you'd rather have sex with.) This is a really fun game, especially if everyone is really disgusting looking. Which, on the F train, they usually are...
2) THE MATCHMAKING GAME: Who on this subway would make a good couple? You have to make sure each and every person ends up paired off. It's difficult if the ratio between men and women is off. And even more difficult if in the case that there are mainly men, if most of the men are burly, macho-looking Hispanic guys. Which, on the F train, they usually are...
3) WHO WOULD YOU EAT? If this subway contained the last living creatures on all the Earth, and you were forced to pick someone to sacrifice for food- who would you eat? This is really, the most desperate of games to play. When Erica and I attempted to play it, we got too nauseous to even start it. But if you tire of games one and two, and have a tougher stomach, this could be fun. In a really sick way.
Keep these in your back pocket! tee hee hee.
Posted by lexzog at Wed, May 12 | Comments (0)
Mon, May 10
By the way...
The world is so small. Really. The other night I was out at Luna Lounge, hanging with Michele and Emily, and Em's sister...Saying hi to my favorite Piano's bartender, Paul (gotta love him). This guy comes up to me, and asks, "Alexis?" I turned to face him, and guess who it was? Just guess. It was Brad from my "So I Don't Hate Friendster" blog (last week)! As Elaine said on Seinfeld, "GET OUT!" Brad doesn't even live in NYC. He lives in Buffalo. He was home for Mother's Day and visiting some friends. But honestly, what are the odds?!? Luna Lounge is not the most well-known place...I don't think the damn BANKER BOYS have discovered it yet...There are hundreds of bars in the city. But the way the world works...so funny. There was Brad! From just a few Blogs down (haha. get it?) You can read the nice comment he wrote me, which I would like to frame if I could, on a blog. So picture a damn frame, K?
Posted by lexzog at Mon, May 10 | Comments (0)
Tribecaaaaa!
This is definitely a shout out to Jesse....INDEED. Or, as he says, IN-DEED. Anyways...Tonight I went with him to the Tribeca Film Festival after-party. It was really nicely done, thanks to Tom (design) and Chris Dallos (who I pretended was me, so I could get in without a hassle, by wearing his "badge), the lighting design guy...I have to say I made quite a "splash" not more than five minutes upon entering. I was left alone with Tom for 30 seconds, and within those 30 seconds, right after he asked me "So what do you think of the party?" and waved his hand, my drink FLEW in all directions. I hate to be petty (ok, no I don't), but it really was partly or mostly his fault (hee hee)...Yes, it is true, I was not holding onto my cup very tightily, but if it were not for his big hand gesture, the drink would not have escaped my grasp. Luckily, as karma would have it (since I did get red wine cooler spilled on my baby blue prom dress back in 1998, in a limo, by an evil LONG ISLAND girl), the drink only spilt on Tom and some girl nearby in a silk shirt.
Now, must people who spill shit on you do not own up to it. They just bolt from the scene of the crime and pretend it never happened. I on the other hand, profusely apologized to Tom and said girl. Said girl was a total beeatch, because she made the most dsgusted face ever at my clumsiness, and would not shut up about it for the next 30 minutes. I even went up to her and lied that she "still looked fab" even with the itty bitty splash of vodka soda on her shirt. (I was not lying about the itty bitty splash, because it WAS itty bitty. I was lying about the "fab" part. She did not look fab. But she didn't look fab even BEFORE I spilled on her.
To make matters worse, it was like an entire militia came out of the woodwork to clean up after my mess. Not one, but five men with mops came to mop up the tiny splash of vodka that was on the floor. And then they blockaded the whole area, with "wet floor" signs. It was like a nor-easter had hit the building (no, it was just ME.)
I should have worn a sign the rest of the night: "Please keep 50 feet back, as person holding beverage may be hazardous to your outfit."
Guess I made my mark on a few people there...Sigh.
Posted by lexzog at Mon, May 10 | Comments (2)
Thu, May 6
A Gummy Tidbit from Julie
From: Will, Julie
Sent: Thursday, May 06, 2004 4:49 PM
To: 'klimmer@temple.edu'; 'Padakis, Marina'; Skrabek, Alison; 'Denega, Danielle'; 'Andrew Will'
Subject: Gummi disaster=metaphor ?
So as a reward to myself for being such a rock star of an editorial assistant (on this day from hell), I saunter over to a collective candy dish for a few hard-earned gummi bears. Once there, I realize I have forgotten to do something, and, one gummi in mouth, several in hand, dash back to my desk. En route, my brisk pace causes gummi #1 to become lodged in my throat and I begin choking. Big, ugly coughs are emitted, and for a spilt second i can't breathe, and I get a glimpse of heaven…where there are no authors, no books…only gummi bears, splashing in gummi pools and frolicking on gummi clouds.
I digress.
The choking ends, but I am left with that uncomfortable just-having-choked feeling. My nose and throat are tingly, my eyes are watering, and I hope that no one stops by my cubicle because I look like I've either been crying for an hour or have had a severe allergy attack. The stinging, especially in my nose, will not go away. I drink lots of water. Nothing. I wait. Nothing. Finally I think maybe if I blow my nose, that might help. I blow nose. I am horrified. There, on an otherwise empty kleenex, is a decapitated orange gummi bear.
Yes, boys and girls, I just blew a headless gummi bear out of my nose.
And it hurt. I can't help but think that there must be some larger truth meant for me to glean from this incident, that there is something inherently symbolic in the headless gummi (gummy--id? Ego? I've bitten my own head off? Bitten off more than I can chew?), but the only lesson I'm really sure of, thus far, is not to eat gummi bears and walk at the same time.
Happy almost Friday,
j
Posted by lexzog at Thu, May 6 | Comments (0)
Wed, May 5
Another Suitor?
Yet another friendster winner:
"hi am eli 24 m ny brooklyn am looking to date i hope u do too if u liek u could e mail me back to sexy1180@(I'm not that mean).com i hope we could get to know each other a little better and maybe go out some times if u liek taht too i hope to talk to u soon"
I guess I should "email him back to sexy?" because apparently, he's far from it...
Posted by lexzog at Wed, May 5 | Comments (1)
Mon, May 3
The info on my weekend.
Tonight I saw MEAN GIRLS. Or, that movie with lots of close-ups of Lindsay Lohan's boobs. It really was good! Tina Fey is so "fetch". And if you see the movie, you'll understand what I mean by that. Favorite quote (or, my version of it"),
"Does this have alcohol in it?"
"Oh no dear. What kind of mother do you think I am? Why- do you want a little? Cuz if you do, I'd rather you drink it here."
Go see the movie.
Also of note...The gallery opening of EXIT ART was awesome. The best part though was when I went to use the bathroom, the bouncer who had hit on me outside (of course, he had a greasy curly mullet and didn't speak English), came up to me and said "Hi! We were talking outside, remember?" (Uh, yes, if you consider you leering at me "talking"). "Oh, yes, you asked me if I was coming inside", said I. Then he says, in the same flirtatious tone as before, "Yes, but we are closing. You have to go." I really don't understand that interaction, but it was noteworthy, because of the mullet. And his tact.
But the show was very cool: There was a video screen of a guy walking across a white backdrop, and you could shoot a gun at it. Every time your aim was on point, the guy fell to the ground grasping his chest. I pictured ex boyfriends and did really really well at shooting. My other favorite was a porcelain sink, with blood splattered in it. I got queasy looking at it, but the contrast between red and bright white made you want to keep looking. I like when things are taken completely out of context. (Note: the Guggenheim is having a show that features everyday objects such as M&M's, frisbees, and post-its, in a celebration of form and function at their most perfect. Check local listings :))
After ExitArt was a fun rooftop party at my friend Jesse's (note: I spelled his name wrong before editing this entry. Now it is right.), above TIKI lounge. Lots of french people. And good mojitos.
The gallery after party was at Crobar, and thank god it was free for us because I would never spend a penny to hang with that kind of crowd...Lots of bridge and tunnelers as can be expected. But the atmosphere was great- lots of pretty lights and it was a very large and elaborately decorated venue. I just do not care much for techno or whatever it is they played.
We did make friends with some British lads. One of them proposed a threesome with my friend Rebecca and I, because I guess he must have watched too many episodes of Sex and the City...All in good fun.
Then it was off to No Malice Palace, where my neighbor and I tore up the dance floor, and probably thought we looked good doing so, but really we were just getting in other people's way.
Time to write some more rejection letters to would-be, could-be writers...
Posted by lexzog at Mon, May 3 | Comments (2)
Saturday Night
Roar.
At Crobar, where the afterparty for the Exit Art gallery opening was at...
Cute British guys.
More cute British guys.
Becs' sexy new hairdo.
This was not really taken in Hawaii...but it was taken two weeks ago.
Posted by lexzog at Mon, May 3 | Comments (1)